I started this thing back in 2006 and then forgot about it. How much can change in two years. Two years older. Two years wiser...maybe not so much. I've lost 30 pounds, and then gained 20 of it back. Two years ago my life as i knew it was just beginning to crumble. The cracks were appearing and I was thoroughly convinced that if I just said the right words or did the right things I could stop it. Two years ago I lived the sedentary life of a middle aged pastor of one of the larger churches in our area. Now I'm no longer pastoring, though I'm still ordained. I'm in better physical shape than I was in my 30s. Emotional and psychological shape? Depends who you ask I think. I carry scars, but who doesn't? I think I see things more clearly now, but I've thought I saw things clearly in the past as well and have been proven quite deluded. So who the heck really knows?
My relationship with God was pretty sketchy for a while. Honestly I felt betrayed. I tried and tried, prayed and prayed, did everything I knew to do. Yet still things fell apart. Not that I didn't have culpability, because surely I did. Perhaps I hold most of the blame. Yet I really did try. I'd always believed that if I did my best, God would take care of the rest. But I've realized that isn't the real God. The real God cannot be domesticated to my whims, reduced to a formula, or managed to create my own happiness. I'm realizing that God is not completely who I thought he was.
My relationship with the church is kinda rough. A lot of betrayal, leading to a lot of cynicism. I describe people like me as those who have "seen behind the curtain" to use a Wizard of Oz allusion. We know how things work. We know how to move people with just the right song, how to motivate people to get involved, how to build a church. Yet we've also seen the dark side, both of others and of ourselves. We know that church is a place where most folks put a lot of energy into look a lot better than they really are. That takes a lot of energy I just don't have anymore. Truth be told, I still guest preach occasionally. I still attend occastionally. Yet i feel like a sojourner in the ecclesiastical world. Maybe that's ok. It has to be, because that's where I am.
As the great theologian Jerry Garcia once said ,"What a long, strange trip it's been."
2 comments:
Wow what a suprise... I return from Walmart and the grocery store, sit down to watch football, and discover I have TWO followers now! Thanks for reading! I look foward to following yours. Would it be naughty to comment on the picture?
Jerry Garcia was indeed a great theologian.
:)
"Every silver lining has a touch of grey." Who else could have put it so well?
djc aka the VSL Poltroon
Post a Comment