Cucamonga Peak

Yesterday I celebrated my youngest son's 12th birthday by taking him on a 10 mile hike to cucamonga peak. It's a difficult hike with steep elevation gains and lots of switchbacks. In fact I've never actually done it in one day before; in the past I backpacked part way, and then day hiked the next day. In the back of my mind I figured we would only make it 2/3 of the way there and turn back. But we made it the entire way. Along the hike, in between water breaks, photo ops, cliff bars, and picking up sticks and rocks to keep as souvenirs, we talked. We talked about what it means to become a man, about life, about friends. We talked about what it's like to be in a divorced home and for dad to be dating. We talked about church, about God, about girls.

It was a hazy day but we could still see the whole valley below us. It gave us perspective in a way. My son told me he'd never seen anything like it. He kept saying again and again, "Thanks so much for bringing me here. This is the best birthday ever." I told him how much i look forward to him becoming a father someday (later rather than sooner!) and being able to take his children here. We talked about how different he was than his brothers, and that now he has achieved something that his brothers haven't.

For me it was a spiritual experience. Pushing myself in a way I could not have done three years ago. Looking down on the valley where I've lived the last thirty five years of my life...the places where I've lived, gone to school, worked, coached little league, performed weddings and funerals, the libraries I've studied in, the paths that I've walked, the stores I've shopped in. All of it was down below as i stood on the rocks looking down. My life is so different now than it was just three years ago. I am the same person...sort of. My values and beliefs are the same...kind of. I feel like I'm softer now...but in a good way. More empathetic, more in touch with the importance of emotions, more relational. Yet i also feel like I'm harder....more cynical, questioning, doubting. I no longer think that things will all work out in the end in life. I no longer believe that if a person does everything they can to honor God that everything will come together. I still believe in the basic Christian message...Jesus' gospel of the Kingdom of God. In fact I believe it now more than ever. But other stuff I'm not so sure. My views of gender roles and male/female relationships has changed pretty drastically. I now passionately believe that women possess full equality in Christ and could no longer associate with a church or organization that didn't. I believe that the traditional view of gender roles that I once embraced was a significant factor in the destruction of my marriage. I've realized that I don't have God figured out as much as i thought i did. I've accepted my own humanity and can really let God be God, wondrous, mysterious, faithful, unpredictable, loving. I have no urge to fence God in or figure God out anymore.

Anyways it was a great day yesterday. I'm extremely sore and tired, but it was well worth the effort.