So I had every intention of attending church today at St. Mark's Episcopal church. Really. I was up in time. I showered and shaved. I got my morning coffee. But then I just couldn't bring myself to go. I hate going to worship where I don't know anyone. But then I also really don't want to get to know anyone there. That is what they call ambivolence. I am ambivolent toward church .
So instead, I got in my new RAV4 and drove to the mountains. I was listening to a Sara Groves CD while praying and meditating on God's creation all around me. One of the lines of one of her songs struck me, "Maybe I was made this way...to think and to reason, to question and to pray." That really struck me that I simply can't turn off my mind. Any faith that I embrace has to be one that can handle my thinking, reasoning and questioning. A faith that can't withstand that is a faith I could never embrace, at least not fully. It was a powerful morning, listening to the music while i prayed and drove. Afterwards, i grabbed myself a bagel and coffee, and spend time praying the lectionary for the day.
So here's my question . Is that really church? I'm tempted to think not. There's no community. There's no sacrament. There's no giving of myself to others. So was it wrong for me to skip church yet again to be alone, to read, to observe, to reason, and to pray?
I'm not sure I have answered these questions yet.
4 comments:
For what it's worth... I don't think church always has to follow the same formula. You're right about the fellowship and the service to others, and the sacrament but you can't do any of those things unless you're moved to... don't you think? After all, Jesus himself went out into the desert... alone. You have been through a lot, you've had to redefine a lot in your life... you need to find peace for yourself in all that - sometimes that requires solitude, and God, I'm somehow sure, understands that.
Funny how that works isn't it.
I wonder about it a lot, because I'm sure that in direct relation to what jesus or the apostles knew as and intended for church to be, what we have today is as blasphemous as your solo expedition was today, if not more. So in an evolving faith, is it wrong to take god where you find god?
Did you just call me a blasphemer? :)
Maybe just a little.
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