Is it Church?

So I had every intention of attending church today at St. Mark's Episcopal church. Really. I was up in time. I showered and shaved. I got my morning coffee. But then I just couldn't bring myself to go. I hate going to worship where I don't know anyone. But then I also really don't want to get to know anyone there. That is what they call ambivolence. I am ambivolent toward church .

So instead, I got in my new RAV4 and drove to the mountains. I was listening to a Sara Groves CD while praying and meditating on God's creation all around me. One of the lines of one of her songs struck me, "Maybe I was made this way...to think and to reason, to question and to pray." That really struck me that I simply can't turn off my mind. Any faith that I embrace has to be one that can handle my thinking, reasoning and questioning. A faith that can't withstand that is a faith I could never embrace, at least not fully. It was a powerful morning, listening to the music while i prayed and drove. Afterwards, i grabbed myself a bagel and coffee, and spend time praying the lectionary for the day.

So here's my question . Is that really church? I'm tempted to think not. There's no community. There's no sacrament. There's no giving of myself to others. So was it wrong for me to skip church yet again to be alone, to read, to observe, to reason, and to pray?

I'm not sure I have answered these questions yet.

so today...

my 17 year old, soon to be 18 year old son, announced to me that he wants to join the Navy after he graduates from high school. Really I'm not that surprised. He was involved in Civil Air Patrol in junior high and talked about enlisting then. He eventually lost interest in CAP, but I always wondered. Plus he wants a one way ticket away from his mom and myself, especially since we're both dating other people now. I'm concerned. I wonder about having a son enlist during a time of war. I wonder about how the ethics and values he was raised with will play into what he can and can't do. But he is becoming a young man. More to follow...

it's been a year

It's been a year since I posted. Someone asked me if i had a blog and i said, "no." But then i remembered this! So i thought I'd post something. Since Christmas I've bought two books. The first is by Phyllis Tickle, and it's a pocket edition of the Divine Hours. Basically it leads through fixed times of prayer throughout the day. This is a new practice to me, but very intriguing. I guess it's an outgrowth of my draw to the Book of Common Prayer. The idea of praying prayers that have been prayed for centuries helps me feel rooted historically. It also helps me to pray the words of scripture, giving me words when my own words fail. The other book I've started is by the ever controversial Brian McLaren. The first book I ready by Brian was A New Kind of Christian, which was a breath of fresh air for me at the time. Since then I've read him on and off, and he's drifted progressively away from where I'm comfortable. However, I have appreciated his thoughts. In Finding Our Way Again, McLaren introduces a new series on the ancient practices. I spent a lot of time at a recent retreat i was cooking for reading it. It rekindled some of my desires to engage in these practices. That's all for now.